I wrote these a while ago (last semester), but am now just putting them on this blog. Enjoy
Wow...the things I have thought about these past couple of days I don't know what is provoking these thoughts. I have been really stressed these past few weeks with exams, papers, work, track, and just life in general. Let me start with my dream. I dreamt that I had just up and left school. I showed up unexpectedly and told my family I quit school here and wanted to attend somewhere closer to home. However, when i got home, I immediately began worrying about NMSU. I knew I had made the wrong choice and I was looking for an excuse to get back down here
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside. I cannot wait to go home and be out of school, but the other part of me wants to be here and not leave what I have established. I guess I am just frightened about the future now that the future is creeping on my doorstep. I have created a new beginning down here and have made wonderful friends, but I know I cannot keep living like this, "a student in college who fills her time with work, school, and practice. A girl who cannot wait to get back home to be with her family and friends, but is afraid to leave her new ones. A student who cannot possibly dream of a life outside of school. Someone who is afraid to live because she does not want to get hurt but who lives to love and laugh. A roommate who is too shy to talk to the girl she is living with because she is worried about what to say. A sister who has not done too good of a job being there for her siblings or a daughter who is caught up with her own life to worry about her parents. An employee who works too much that she does not make enough time to be with the people she loves. A fat kid who eats uncontrollably even though she is learning to do otherwise. A hypocrite whenever she tells others ways to take control of their lives when she cannot even control her own. A lost soul who asks for guidance everyday because she cannot seem to walk a straight path. A girl who is happy and carefree, but torn apart inside. An open heart that yearns for a man to love her the way she would love him. A GIRL LIKE ME." I have been a terrible daughter, sister, friend, roommate and Christian.
My roommate recently broke up with her boyfriend. Tonight, she came in with another friend of hers, sick as a dog. Her friend told me she was drinking and starting getting upset about her ex. All I could do was sit on the couch while she lay on the floor of the bathroom puking her guts out into the toilet as her friend held her hair and consoled her. I want to be that type of friend. I have not had a friend close enough that I could do that for. I know Tori and I are great friends and I know how I say that it does not matter that she is much older than I am, but our relationship is too perfect. We never argue, I never get mad at her just to forgive her the next day. I do not think she gets mad at me, at least she never says she does. I know Kara and I are also great friends as well. I really like her and it seems like the friendship I have always wanted, but I do not know if she feels the same. She and Tori are two of my best friends. I can do things with Kara that nobody would even begin to understand. We goof off and have fun and we understand each other. However, there are things that I do not tell them, or anybody for that matter. I want to be able to tell someone all my thoughts, dreams, and deepest secrets. I feel like I can do most of this with the two, but am too afraid to say it all for fear of judgment.
Life is cruel! Once you think you have everything planned out, it changes on you. I have been waiting for a long time now to fall in love. I want to meet a tall, handsome, nice, active man who will want me for me (I know, I know….wishful thinking). Every guy I meet I cannot help but thing "Are you the one?" I am a hopeless romantic. Beggars cannot be choosers right? Well then why am I so picky on who I want to date after all these years of just begging for it to be anyone. Am I pathetic or what? I am 20 years old, never been kissed, let alone gone out on a date with any guy. Am I that repulsive? Do I not attract the guys I am looking for? These dating websites are all a lie. Everyone is there for the same reason: to see whom they can attract and basically see if the "A" standards would even be interested. It is false hope. To tell you the truth, I am absolutely terrified. Oops, he said yes, oops, he emailed me, oops he is very attractive. The line draws there. Then I start to doubt myself and who I am. There must be alternative meanings for him to like me. (All hypothetical by the way) There must be another reason for why he would like a girl like me, he probably hit the "yes" button by mistake which just so happens to be very closely situated with the "no" button. I so badly want to fall in love; I am desperate for that first kiss that I am so terrified of it. What if it is not up to my standards? I dream just like any other girl that dreams about these things such as wedding days and "first times." I rehearse what I would say, what I would do, but I am terrified that I would be disappointed at those events if they don't live up to my standards
Life is Cruel!
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