What is the point of life? Is it to be a good daughter, to be a best friend, to fall in love with a man, to laugh with all your heart, to find your wandering soul? Is it to give a puppy a bath while struggling to keep her in the tub or giving your nephew a piggy back ride? Is life a set of rules to live by so there remains order and reason or is it to live spontaneously, taking one day at a time and taking risks?
I have been sitting on the backburner for years. I have lived a life to please others, so they can be happy. Granted, I have found great happiness through doing this, but at the same time I feel like I have not lived life yet. I have been too conservative. I have lived to please others, to be a good student, and to keep everyone thinking good things about me. I just want to know what it is like to fail. To not care about what grade I will get in a class, to not have a care in the world about making a living, working for money, and more. I live a life that I do not know if I like anymore. Do not get me wrong, I absolutely love life, but I am tired of living a lie. I just want to be myself, not someone everyone else wants me to be. I don't want to be afraid to cry in front of others, to scream whenever I am angry, to pout when I don't get my way, to love without judgment and to dance in jubilee whenever I am happy.
What happened to life? How did I get here? Yes, it comes from the decisions I made throughout the years, but what helped me along the way. Just the other day, I was five years old, missing a front tooth, hair in a pony tail off to the side and running around the yard barefoot with the sun shining down on me. Now, I am here, thankfully with all teeth intact, hair lying on my shoulders, in a place full of sand and heat with 20 years passed by. Kenny Chesney said it best with his song "Don't Blink." You literally have to live life with your eyes wide open so you do not miss anything or wake up one morning wondering where life went
Is there life out there? I have led a pretty sheltered life. I grew up with a loving family in a town with little diversity in the middle of the woods. I have never experienced the heartbreak of a true love. I have never kissed anybody or really fell in love. I have not sworn in years and have not had a soda in 2 ½ years. The only thing I can say for myself right now is that I chose to go 2200 miles away from home and everything I had ever known to seek a new start. But was it really a new start since I settled back into my old habits? Sure! I have met new friends, have had great experiences. I have learned a lot about myself but I am still that same old girl who sits in the front row of class with her hair slicked back in a ponytail trying to please everyone and impress the teacher into thinking I am someone unique. I try to stand out among my peers, try to be the one face in the crowd that everyone will remember. But whom am I kidding? I am just lost in as sea of faces where I might be remembered today, but tomorrow someone will replace me.
Who are you to tell me who I am? I am me. I am a girl who can eat too much if she is lonely, sad, or menstruating. I laugh too much and don't cry enough. I am not a beggar, I am not poor. I also am not rich. I'm not popular, a druggie, an alcoholic, a punk, a snob, a witch (with a B J), a jerk, or a prick. I'm too sensitive, stubborn, hardheaded, easy going, full of love, and light hearted. I am a hopeless romantic, a slob, a neat freak, an adventurer, a reader, a poet, and a fruitcake. Most importantly, I AM ME!!!!
I've made decisions to get to where I am and who I am today. And you know what? I don't think I would change anyone of them, because then I wouldn't be who I am. I may be imperfect, but it's okay. I've got family and friends that love me for who I am. Someday, I will too find that one person who will want to be with me for the rest of his life, who will love me for me
I am the Lamb of God, His Servant, and I will Dwell in the House of the Lord Forever.
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